The Men's Club and reflections on the decision to marry.......

This post begins with an admission of what has prevented me from sharing updates of my casket progress. With my children grown and moved on in their college careers, I have been deep in thought of what I would still like to accomplish in the next decade. The casket project, has been top on my priority list for some time, almost six years! The thought provoking study behind this goal has made me completely analyze my life. What was Jane Austen's goal with her novels, other than the cynic's answer, 'to make money'? I have revisited plans I had in my teens and early twenties of what I wanted out of life. As such, I have had a life changing realization. In analysis of my marriage and compared with other couples of my acquaintance over the past four years; I am aware I spent thirty years in an unsupportive marriage. I spent most of 2015 in a terribly hurtful divorce and 2016 recovering and now enjoy complete freedom. I have made many decisions this past year, on my own, which I had been told the past two decades, I was incapable of...

I have settled in, and am very happy in my sweet little condominium. I now have a room for my craft storage I finished for ME pictured below. Something I have always wanted but never had.

A walk-in closet with a sweet faux crystal chandelier light and wall of mirrors, I installed, which has just enough room for my clothes ALONE!

I hung the huge brass light fixture, pictured, in my first floor dining area and installed shelving in the loft area upstairs.

New pots and different varieties of plants adorn my front door.

I love my granite counter tops, and counter stools, I assembled, and amazingly my new dishes coordinate very well.

                                                   

Yes, I love IKEA, and am acquainted and very skilled with a cordless drill and wrenches! It has been crazy moving everything I own, plus my children's belongs in and out of storage (two to four times), in search of a permanent home. It's wonderful to be finally settled in an area with gobs of history, supportive friends, and like minded casketeers! This is enough for now, while I finish my casket and rebuild my life...

All of the female heroines from Austen's novels are caught up in compromise due to societal forced dependence. The male characters patriarchal roles, as in real life, always have their demands met, and in most cases it is for their physical and/or financial benefit. The female characters are forced to compromise and weigh their options to find a 'match' and hopefully a happy life. Discussion from papers and the 2014 JASNA AGM in Montreal incorporated undertones of slavery and misogyny in Mansfield Park, an issue which has made me very uncomfortable at this point in my life. I do believe the last form of slavery in this country is marriage. I do not remember where I heard this first, 'marriage is the one institution so easy to enter into and so extremely difficult to escape'. It's rare to find a marriage where the couple 'are equals'. One person tends to submit to the other in an uncompensated role..... slavery. In most cases it will still be the woman who is left the burden of caring for children. Growing up I questioned why the majority of biblical stories were about men. We are brainwashed into misogynistic thinking in which men are somehow more important than women. Now I realize............... men are simply immature and selfish by nature, and the stories reflect this. A majority of the females show intuitive judgement for the good....my favorite is loyal Ruth. The recent 2016 Presidential election reflects the resurgence of patriarchal control and misogyny. If women were more in control, I'm certain the world would be a better place. Women are just created more perfect and virtuous than men....which I believe is what unnerves men.

I do believe it is best to spend a life alone, rather than with unsupportive people who are hurtful and lack understanding. I decided over the past several years to methodically disengage from negative people as they show themselves. I am towards the end of my struggle and am amazed how peaceful my life is becoming. A vast amount of insecure people have a sole purpose to make all issues, whether great or small, a complete issue of control. Allowing others to have such an influence over your path is in itself a call for elimination. Now as I evaluate my future back into the workforce I hope I can avoid an unsupportive role and find a place that I can enjoy, contribute and benefit from.

My story....I grew up in the 70's when women were just beginning to, we thought, 'encouraged' to, enter into more non-traditional career paths. I always enjoyed 'fine' and 'industrial' arts, and believed Architecture would be a great career path for me. I actually won an 'honorable mention' in a Detroit Free Press sponsored competition in High School for an Architectural submission. Years previous to this, before I was allowed to enroll in drafting, unlike the boys, I was forced to the Principal's office to make my case. I was labeled a 'troublemaker', to enroll in drafting rather than the traditional 'home economics' classes. I'll say it's ironic that I actually do enjoy home sewing and fine hand embroidery, incidentally, most technically educated women do. An education should, however, broaden your knowledge and challenge you. Or look at it this way, baking is chemistry and I had that class. I dream in color, can easily read a blueprint and tell you what parts of an engine are rotating and which are stationary, my brain just works that way. At the time, I foolishly, wanted to belong to 'the men's club' and be considered an equal, a partner, a team player. I ended up with a Bachelor of Science in Civil Engineering, had just a bit of savings, and thought I would work and put myself through a Masters degree in Architecture as time and money would afford. My father's concern was that I would put a MAN out of a job. He belonged to 'the men's club', not exactly a more abundant life thinker. Perhaps he just wanted me to consider how insecure average men may feel. On many occasions I would explain, 'I had the degree' and if they didn't 'have a degree' they did not deserve the job. Now, here is the ugly reality which every woman my age or older knows too well..... We always made less money than our male counterparts. We intentionally were paid less so the possibility of living an independent life and affording tuition or a down payment for a home was not easy. Women were constantly forced into a life of dependency, always some excuse of why we as women deserved less. The recent election I fear is a return to this narrow minded patriarchal past.

So what, you ask, has this to do with Jane Austen and the concept of virtue.... I believe the original quote may have been Madeleine Albright, but here is my interpretation. Very average men can get along in life, but women are always held to a higher standard, it's the double standard. My point is, the pressure of society to force people to seek a permanent relationship for life is completely unreasonable, and I'm talking about the treatment of women. I feel marriage limits an individuals growth and should be abolished. Marriage if created for 'the procreation of children' and ease in care of them, is not accomplishing this goal. Almost 41% of US births in 2012 were in single family homes, from a 2013 pole by National Review. The institution of marriage only benefits men and should be eliminated if women are to be treated as equals...Marriage is the harbinger of misogyny and male dominance.

I'm happy I have the freedom to share my thoughts on past relationships between men and women and my personal reservation as I reenter the workforce after 25 years as a 'stay at home mom'. I admit my decade of work experience was in the 80's, in a society I resented, where most institutions were geared toward men. I can only hope I have a place in the now......